


I just needed to hear your voice

by Natsumi



Category: Free!
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Fluff and smut comes later I promise, Haruka and Makoto didn't grow up together - AU, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Side Matsuoka Gou/Mikoshiba Seijuurou, Slow Build, ratings will change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-22
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-01-16 14:30:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1350835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natsumi/pseuds/Natsumi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an attempt to lower the suicide rates at Iwatobi high school, a suicide hotline is put together and phones that can be called if you want someone to talk to is given to two students per class. Tachibana Makoto gets one of these phones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Responsibility

“The suicide rate at Iwatobi High School has increased by almost fifty percent since last year, and we certainly want to change that as soon as possible. This is why we introduce to you the Iwatobi suicide hotline. Two people from each class will be given a phone. These phones have one purpose; talking to others that are having a difficult time. We all hope this will help to lower the suicide rates. If any of you have any idea why they have risen that much, please report to the student council.”

The news came after another suicide attempt. Harada Fumiko was currently hospitalized with major head injuries after jumping of a bridge near the river. The principle of Iwatobi High School had called all the students in for the message the following morning.

Makoto sat on the rooftop with his friends, studying his new phone. It was an old model, and that didn’t surprise him. It wasn’t for private use anyway.

“Mako-chan!” Nagisa exclaimed, interest evident in his face. “You got one of the phones?”

Makoto nodded and smiled at his friends. His teacher had come up to him before lunch, asking to speak with him. She had asked if he would mind having one of them. He was the perfect choice, she’d said.

Of course he’d accepted. Honestly, he was doubting that anyone would actually use the hotline, but if someone did, he would love to help them in every way that he could.

“Who got the other in your class?” Rei wanted to know, pushing his glasses further up.

“Yazaki Aki, I think. She does seem like a nice choice.”

Rei hummed in agreement and continued eating his lunch.

“Can I look?” Nagisa leaned over and took the phone from his hands before he could reply. “It is pretty old-looking, don’t you think?”

“It’s not supposed to be beautiful, Nagisa-kun. It’s supposed to help people,” Rei explained.

“Can I have it back now, please? I promised Ama-sensei that I would take good care of it.”

Nagisa laughed and gave the phone back. “Well then, Mako-chan is the right person to ask such a thing!”

“You are reliable, indeed.”

Makoto chuckled, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

“Thanks, I guess. I will try my best at least.”

“The one that get you as their psychologist will be the luckiest person in the entire world!” Nagisa clung himself to Makoto’s arm.

“We’re not supposed to be psychologists, Nagisa. We are only going to talk to those who calls. The principle thought it would be a good idea to give suicidal people an opportunity to talk to other students instead of adults.”

“That’s basically the same thing! Anyway, did you guys hear about Harada Fumiko-san? I think she’s the reason they started this.”

Rei nodded in agreement. “It seems so.”

“It’s really terrible, all this. We’ve had several suicide attempts only the last months, I’m so glad they all made it,” Makoto added.

Some of they hadn’t, though, but they’d rather not think about that.

 

When he got home, he put the phone on his bedside table, hoping that his siblings wouldn’t find it. When he thought about it, he figured it would be best to not mention anything about it to any of his family members. Somehow it didn’t feel right to tell too many people about it. The hotline was supposed to be between the caller and himself, not anyone else.

He was put out of his thoughts by the sound of his phone ringing and had to remind himself that it wasn’t the grey phone he had gotten from his teacher, but his own. He checked the name of the caller before picking up.

“Hi, Rin. What’s up?”

“You up for a swim?” he suggested, completely ignoring Makoto’s question. It didn’t surprise him. Rin had always been like that. Right to the point, no hesitation.

“Sure. Iwatobi or Samezuka?”

It was quiet for a while on the other line. “Samezuka, if that’s alright. I don’t really feel like taking a train ride right now.”

“That’s okay, I don’t mind. I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah, see you.”

He really didn’t mind a train ride, he had always liked them actually. It gave him time to just sit and think, or even if he didn’t have anything to think about, it was nice being able to sit alone. Living in a house with two younger siblings, it could sometimes be a little too much noise, no matter how much patience you had.

“I’m going swimming with Rin, mom,” he stated before he put on his jacket and started the walk to the train station.

It wasn’t unusual for Rin and himself to swim together. They did so at least once a week and because both of them were on a swim team, nobody questioned it. Usually, they would go to the pool at Makoto’s school. He was allowed to use it as much as he’d like, and he also had the keys. He doubted anyone would mind that he brought Rin sometimes too.

Other times, they would go to the pool at Samezuka academy where Rin studied. He knew that he wasn’t really allowed to swim there, but Rin had assured him plenty of times that it was no big deal. After all, the two swim teams did train together on occasion.

Rin wanted to go to the olympics and was very serious about his training. Makoto thought being that passionate about something was a great trait to have, but personally he only swam because he enjoyed it. Both Nagisa and Rei was on the same swim team as him, and it was also a good way to hang out with them.

Rin met him at the gates to the school, tapping his foot impatiently on the ground.

“Took you long enough.”

Makoto scratched his neck awkwardly. “Sorry, shall we go?”

Even though Rin always insisted that it was fine for him to swimming there, Makoto couldn't help but feel a little nervous as they entered the pool, having changed into their swimming trunks.

Rin was in the pool in no time, doing laps.

“Did Gou have a nice date with Mikoshiba last night?” he dared to ask as Rin finished his second lap.

“Don’t you dare, Makoto,” he hissed, glaring at his friend.

It wasn’t that Makoto enjoyed teasing Rin about the fact that his little sister Gou and his captain had been going out for a couple of months now, it was just really funny to watch his reactions.

“Oh, come on, Rin. He seems like a nice guy. She could have fallen for someone much worse, don’t you think?”

“She’s my little sister, she’s not supposed to fall for anyone right now! If that guy makes one wrong move I swear I’ll kill him without hesitating. Fuck, I’ll even enjoy it!”

Rin sounded about ready to punch something so the brunet decided it was best to change the topic. If the other got real pissed off, they might get caught being in the pool outside training time.

“Speaking of killing," Makoto said, regretting his choice of words immediately. "My school started this new project to prevent suicide. It’s a suicide hotline, and if you call the number you can talk to other students, completely anonymous.”

“Do they really think that is going to work? Sounds a bit weird to me.” Rin didn’t seem impressed as he was treading water.

“I think it’s great that they’re trying to help people. I actually got one of the phones myself,” Makoto admitted.

He felt okay about telling Rin, knowing that he wasn’t the person to go around and tell everybody else. After all, Rin had been his best friend for years now.

“Really? So people call and you have to help sorting out their problems?” Rin smirked. “Well, you’ve always liked helping people, being the saint that you are.”

He couldn’t help but sigh at that. It wasn’t exactly a new thing. Rin loved accusing him for being too nice for his own good. It was annoying as he was just being himself, but he knew his friend was just trying to help in his own way.

Makoto let himself slide into the pool from where he had been sitting on the edge and floated on his back. The water felt cool and refreshing against his skin. Though he only swam for fun, he had always liked the feeling of being in the water.

“We’re not supposed to sort out their problems. Just having someone to talk to can be enough for some people, you know.” The conversation reminded him of the one he had had with Nagisa earlier.

“I don’t know, maybe it could work. I mean, I would definitely rather talk to a person my own age over an adult anytime,” Rin admitted.

That was what Makoto himself had been thinking as well. “Yes, I suppose that was the idea behind it.”

They did some more laps, and when they realised how late it was Makoto decided he should get going if he wanted to make the train home.

“I’ll see you soon, right?”

“Yeah, I’m not planning to disappear off to Australia again anytime soon. Been there, done that.”

They both laughed at that.

Later that night when Makoto had arrived home, he laid down on his bed and closed his eyes. He was tired, the swimming had taken its toll on his muscles, so he figured it would be best to go to sleep a little earlier than he usually would. His hair still had a faint smell of chlorine, but he was so used to it that he didn’t mind.

The room was completely quiet, so it wasn’t hard to fall asleep. It wasn’t hard to wake up again either, when the silence was broken by the unmistakable sound of a phone ringing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! :)
> 
> I'm not sure yet how many chapters this is going to have, though I have still got many ideas that I want to write. The relationship comes a little late in this story as I want them to get to know each other first, but I promise that both fluff and smut will happen eventually if you bear with me.


	2. Phonecall

He honestly hadn’t been expecting anyone to call, at least not the very first day. He shot up from bed and grabbed the phone from the bedside table as fast as he could to avoid waking up the rest of his family. The ringtone was pretty basic, like the ones that are already installed on the phone when you first buy it. Taking a deep breath, he picked up the call.

“Hello?” 

Makoto tried hard to keep his voice quiet, but still hearable. This was the part of the whole thing that he hadn’t had time to think about yet. What was he supposed to say anyway? The person on the other line was silent for what felt like minutes, and Makoto started to think that maybe he should just hang up.

_“...Hey”_

The voice came from a male, he realised. It was deep, but not painfully so. It was actually a really nice voice, when he thought about it. One that he wouldn’t mind listening to.

Okay, so the caller was still there. What now?

“So,” he began, trying to get a conversation going, but he was interrupted mid-sentence. 

_“Don’t do that. I’m not going to tell you all about my problems if that’s what you thought.”_

This is much harder than I imagined, Makoto found himself thinking. If the caller wasn’t intending to say anything, why was he even calling? He glanced up at the clock, getting confirmation that it was really late. 

“It’s late, why aren’t you sleeping?” Makoto tried to understand the other, he really did, but it was hard when he didn’t seem interested in talking at all. 

_“I couldn’t.”_

“Why?”

_“I don’t know.”_

“Maybe you’ve got a lot to think about? Sometimes it’s hard to force your mind to be quiet.” 

Makoto smiled softly to himself. He knew a lot about that. Usually he wouldn’t have any kind of trouble sleeping. If he didn’t have anything waking him up, he was sure he would just sleep away his life and never wake up again. 

Other times, he would stay awake for hours after he’d gone to bed. His brain just wouldn’t shut up no matter how hard he tried not to think. 

_“But I don’t really have anything to think about,”_ the caller answered after a while. _“And I don’t know why I called, I don’t even like talking to people.”_

“That is indeed a problem. What if I did the talking, would that be okay?” Makoto suggested.

He wanted to help, even if the caller wasn’t going to tell him anything. After all, he must have called for a reason, the brunet reasoned. 

_“...Yeah.”_

“Okay.” Makoto stood up from his bed and walked over to the only window in the room. When he pushed the curtains aside he was able to see the sky. It was almost completely dark outside, except from a few stars illuminating the sky. 

“Do you have a window nearby?”

_“Yeah.”_

Makoto smiled. “Look out of it. I mean if you want to,” he added quickly. The last thing he wanted to was force him to do anything. 

_“Okay... Why?”_

The voice sounded almost curious now, and Makoto liked the change. “It’s nice outside tonight, don’t you think? When I can’t sleep I like to look out of the window, maybe it can help you too.”

They didn’t say anything else for a while, and the only indication Makoto had that the person was still there was the soft sound of breathing. 

_“The stars are nice.”_

He hummed in agreement. “It’s not completely dark, it never is.” 

Makoto hoped he would understand the double meaning behind the words. He felt a lot more confident now than he had just a few minutes ago. The caller was easy to talk to and the fact that he didn’t say much himself wasn’t a bad thing at the moment. 

_“...But sometimes you can’t see the stars.”_

Then he hung up.

A couple of weeks later, the principle called the students who had gotten a phone in for a meeting. 

Makoto felt a little bit out of place sitting among people he’d never spoken to before. Having Yazaki Aki there as well was a relief. Being in the same class, they knew each other well. 

“Why did he call us in for a meeting if he isn’t even planning on showing up?” Aki whispered to him. 

He shrugged, and sent a crooked smile her direction. 

Soon enough, the principle walked inside the room and sat down. 

“So,” he began with his deep voice that made sure everyone at school could recognise him even when blindfolded. “I suppose you all know what we’re here to talk about.” 

Some of the students in the room nodded, Makoto included.

“I would like to get a report on how well the suicide hotline is working so far. Have any of you gotten any calls?”

Makoto as well as two other students raised their hands. Aki sent him a surprised look. “You really got one?” she whispered. 

The principle wrote something down on a piece of paper. “It’s only been two weeks since we put up the number, so that is a good enough result.”

“I only got a prank call though,” a girl with black hair informed. 

The principle sighed and scratched over what he had just written. “So that means we have had two calls?” he summarized, looking at Makoto and the other student. 

“I got a real call, but the caller didn’t actually say much,” he told them. 

The other student pushed her hair behind her ear. “My caller cried for about an hour, but it felt good being able to talk with her. I think I calmed her down.” 

“Well, I’m glad someone is using it. If the suicide rates had increased anymore now the media would have gotten involved which is something we absolutely want to avoid, I’m sure you all understand that.” 

Everyone nodded. The other student who’d gotten a real call seemed a bit too enthusiastic, Makoto thought. She was also the leader of the student council, but it wasn’t a secret that she had used a lot of flattery to win favours. 

“I will call you all in for another status report in two weeks. Hopefully we will manage to put an end to all this. Harada Fumiko have hopefully committed the last suicide attempt we will see in a long time.”

With that, the meeting was over.

~~~

Nagisa stopped suddenly, almost causing a domino effect on Rei and Makoto. Rin, having walked beside him, stopped as well. 

“What?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“I just had an idea!” Nagisa exclaimed. 

Rei and Rin sighed simultaneously. They both knew that usually meant trouble. Not that all of Nagisa’s ideas were stupid. After all, he was the one who had talked Makoto and Rei into forming a swim team with him. 

“So, I was thinking about what Mako-chan said about Harada, that she is supposed to be the last suicide attempt in a long time you know, and an idea struck me! Why don’t we go and visit her at the hospital?”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea, Nagisa? She isn’t even discharged yet.” 

Makoto didn’t know if having visitors was the best way to recover from a suicide attempt. 

“But she is all alone there!” Nagisa started pouting, as if the thought of her being all alone was unbearable. 

“That is true,” Rei reasoned. “She must be terribly lonely”

“I’m sure she has had other visitors by now. She has friends, right?” Rin started walking again, motioning the others to follow. 

“Then it’s not a problem, Mako-chan! Rin-chan is right, she has probably had visitors already, so I’m sure she won’t mind us being there. Let’s all go right now, I think the hospital’s still open for visitors.” 

Makoto couldn’t find anything wrong about that, besides, maybe she would appreciate someone to talk to. 

“I thought we were supposed to go to the pool,” Rin complained. 

Makoto patted his back gently, trying not to laugh at the scowling Rin. “We can go another time.”

 

That’s how all four of them ended up in a tiny hospital room after having received strict orders of not to make too much noise. 

The room was way too light and clean for Makoto’s liking. He’d never liked hospitals at all. The pale girl laying in the bed didn’t seem to mind it. She had a bandage wrapped around the upper part of her head, but she still looked at them with smiling, brown eyes as they entered the room. 

Makoto smiled back and sat down on a chair besides the bed. “Hello, Harada-san.” 

“You can call me by my first name if you want to,” she stated immediately, looking at them with curious eyes. 

The rest of the group seemed to ease up at that, and they all sat down at the few chairs available in the room. Nagisa ended up sitting at Fumiko’s feet. The room was a bit crowded in Makoto’s opinion. He wasn’t sure that hospital rooms were meant for that many people, but no one seemed to mind. 

“Is Fumiko-san okay, then?” he corrected, tilting his head slightly.

She nodded and pointed at Nagisa and Rei. 

“You are both first years like myself, right? I’ve seen you before.”

“Yep, that’s right! My name is Hazuki Nagisa and this is my friend Ryugazaki Rei,” Nagisa beamed, pointing at Rei.

Makoto decided to speak. “We just wanted to visit to make sure that you’re okay. The whole school has been really worried about you after the incident. I’m Tachibana Makoto, by the way. Oh and that’s Matsuoka Rin,” he pointed out.

“Oh, I’m feeling much better now than… Yeah.” 

She smiled at looked down at her slender hands, studying each finger and nail intensely as if they were something extremely interesting.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better, Fumiko-san. When do you think you’ll be released?”

“We should arrange a party to celebrate when you are being released, don’t you think?” Nagisa was swinging his legs excitedly over the edge of the bed, making plans in his head already.

The girl gave a tiny chuckle. “I don’t know. My head feels fine right now, but I actually got some pretty severe injuries from the fall. The doctor said I should prepare myself for staying here at least a couple of more weeks.”

“We should still arrange a welcome back party!” Nagisa’s smile seemed to never drop.

“Maybe Fumiko-san would like to have some time for herself once she gets home,” Rei added rationally, trying to calm the blond’s excitement. 

“You’re all very kind, I appreciate that you took your time to come here.” She smiled and hid a yawn with the back of her hand. 

“It was no problem at all,” Makoto began before getting interrupted by Nagisa explaining eagerly that the whole thing had been his idea. 

They didn’t have time to talk too much more after that as a nurse came inside the room and announced that visiting hours was over for the day.

“Thank you for coming by, really. It was nice talking to someone.” She brushed her hair out of her face, giving them a smile.

“Get better soon, Fumiko-chan!” Nagisa waved and grinned widely.

“We’re just happy that you made it,” Makoto added. 

At first, he thought he wouldn’t get an answer back, but just as they were about to shut the door behind them, she sighed. 

“I am, too.”


	3. Something familiar unfamiliar

When Makoto had agreed to help his mother get some grocery shopping done, he hadn’t expected it to take over three hours. Usually, they would be done in less than one, but since Ran and Ren had stayed at home with their father, it seemed that his mother suddenly had all the time in the world to pick up all kinds of things. 

He had no choice but to walk beside her, carrying a basket that got heavier with each aisle. 

“Thank you for helping me, dear. It’s really appreciated,” she said with a smile, caressing his back gently. 

He smiled back at her and nodded. It wasn’t that bad, actually, and he didn’t have anything better to do anyway. 

Saturdays were usually uneventful and most of the time he would stay at home and play video games with his siblings. From time to time Rin would show up, either because he wanted to hang out or just because he had the opportunity. 

It still felt a little unreal to have Rin back in Japan, he had missed him a lot during the time the other spent in Australia. He had had Nagisa, of course, but he was one year younger and as much as he liked the blond, it wasn’t really the same as having Rin around. Besides, Nagisa moved away for a while too.

When Rin first transferred over to Iwatobi elementary school, he had instantly wanted to talk to Makoto. They had already met before, at a swimming tournament. It started out as short conversations about swimming techniques, but as time passed, Makoto had grown to like hanging out with the other boy. It had been sad to watch Rin leave and now that he was back, they made sure to hang out as often as they could. Time was limited because of Rin’s school, so saturdays were perfect. 

The convenience store they were currently in wasn’t the biggest they had in the city, but they had everything people needed for everyday use and it was a very popular place to do grocery shopping because of that.

“I heard about that girl at your school, Harada Fumiko, it was in the newspaper. Poor girl,” his mother chatted, looking genuinely upset about it. 

So it did make the newspaper after all.. He was sure the principle wouldn’t be pleased to hear that.

“We actually went to visit her at the hospital yesterday,” he informed as his mother put a pack of rice in the basket. 

“Oh, how nice! I’m sure she appreciated the company. How severe was the injuries?” 

“She said she’d probably have to stay there for a couple of more weeks, but she seemed good,” he explained before telling his mother about the bandage she had had around her head. It was true that she had seemed fine, but the sad look in her eyes when she said that she was also glad that she made it, was not something that he liked. 

It made him feel uneasy. Maybe he’d go and visit her again sometime soon.

“What cereal would you like?” His mother held up two packages with what looked like the complete same brand.

He shook his head. “Any brand is fine.”

Ren and Ran would probably prefer the sweeter brand, though…

“Sweetie, I think your phone is ringing.” 

It took him a while to figure out why his ringtone sounded so different from the one he was used to. Could it really be another call? He looked around to see if his mother was paying attention, or if it was safe to pull up the grey phone. 

“Can you hold this for a while?” he asked, holding the basket filled with groceries out for his mother to take. “I promise it won’t take long.” The ringing continued, he hoped the caller wouldn’t hang up.

“Of course, go ahead.” She gave him a quick smile and gestured for him to pick up the phone.

“Thanks,” he said before heading over to the other side of the store. He didn’t like leaving his mother like that when he had promised to help her, but it would make him feel worse if he didn’t pick up.

Safely hidden behind shelves filled with different kinds of rice, and knowing that his mother had already gotten the things she needed in that area of the store, he dared to pull out the phone and put it quickly to his ear. 

“Yes?” he spoke, a little out of breath from the quick walk over to the rice shelves. 

No one said anything and Makoto pulled the phone away from his ear for a while to check if the other person was still there. He frowned when he realised that they were still both on the line, pressing the old phone against his left ear again.

“Are you still there?” he asked, hoping for an answer this time.

The sound of someone releasing their breath was briefly heard.

_“It’s you.”_

The voice was familiar, but Makoto couldn’t quite put his finger on where he had heard it before. 

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” he asked, hoping for an explanation for the other’s sudden outburst. 

_“I called you a couple of weeks ago.”_

Makoto was left confused for a moment until he remembered the call he had gotten a while back ago. It was the same voice. 

“Oh!” he exclaimed when the realisation hit him. Could it really be the same person? Was it even possible to talk to the same person twice? 

He let out a nervous chuckle. “Well, what a coincidence.” 

_“Actually I called until they set me over to you.”_

Makoto didn’t know what to say for a while as he took it in. His chest felt weird and his face was flushed. 

“Oh, you did?” he mumbled, his mind occupied with pictures of the male calling the number, only to hang up again when it wasn’t himself that answered. He wished he knew what he looked like, if only to get a better mental image. 

The person on the other line made a confirming sound and it was almost as if Makoto could feel him nodding a yes as well. 

He cleared his throat, trying desperately to pull himself together. An old woman walked up beside him to look at the rise, smiling what Makoto would call knowingly. 

He took a step aside to give the old lady more space to look at the groceries.

“Well, I appreciate that,” he smiled. “Sorry I wasn’t able to help more the other day.” 

He avoided to say anything about the fact that the caller hadn’t really said anything himself.

It was silent again on the other line.

“Are you okay?” Makoto worried. 

_“You.. You really did help, you know.”_

The voice was barely hearable, giving Makoto an urge to lean in closer to the phone before he realised that that would only work if they had talked in person. 

Did he just say that..? 

“Really?”

_“Really.”_

The corners of his lip twitched upwards slightly.

“I’m glad.”

The old lady beside him finally walked over to another aisle. Makoto almost sighed in relief. Almost. 

The next sentence coming from the caller surprised him. 

_“There is a cat sitting on my front porch with me right now,”_ the male told randomly. _“It’s almost always around.”_

“Ah, it is a lot of stray cats in my neighborhood, they are all so cute!” 

The caller made an agreeing sound before continuing. _“This one is white and really small, and it seems to enjoy being petted. I’ve been feeding it some mackerel.”_

Makoto chuckled. 

“Cats do like fish, don’t they? I think so.” 

_“This one really does. It’s always at my door when I get home from school, waiting for food.”_

“Or maybe it just wants some company?” 

_“...I’m pretty sure it’s for the mackerel,”_ the other muttered. 

“Are you sure?” he asked teasingly. 

_“Yeah.”_

He was just about to protest when he heard his name being called from a couple of aisles away. His mother waved at him to get over, nodding towards the counter where the line of customers had shrunk. They wouldn’t have to wait in line to check out now. He nodded quickly at his mother.

He sighed, it didn’t feel good to drop the conversation. 

“Ehm, I have to hang up now.. I’m really sorry.” 

_“Oh… Okay, bye.”_

“Wait! I’m sorry!” 

_“You already said that.”_ Makoto thought he could hear a smile in the voice. _“It’s fine, I’ll just call again some other time.”_

When the line went dead, Makoto hurried to sneak the phone into his pocket again, making sure it was completely hidden from sight before walking over to his mother.

“I’m sorry it took so long,” he apologised, scratching his neck awkwardly. 

She waved it off and smiled. “Was it your girlfriend?” 

“Wha-, no!” he exclaimed. Where did that come from anyway? 

“It’s okay, you can tell me,” she assured as they walked over to the counter. The cashier was a young man, greeting them politely as he continued scanning their groceries. 

He rolled his eyes. His mother would always do this, teasing him about his so called girlfriend. Not that he had one, she was just convinced of the opposite. 

~~~

_A contour of something was swimming in his vision. He couldn’t see exactly what it was, it was more like bits and pieces of something. Like as if he missed something important and couldn’t see the whole picture. It was annoying him, he wanted to reach out to whatever it was, feel it with his fingertips and pull it closer so that he could see it properly._

_Wait, it wasn’t something, it was someone. A person._

_He could see it more clearly now. The person had arms with five fingers on each hand, and if he looked really closely, he could discern hair strands at the very top of the shadow. They looked soft, like the kind of hair you would want to run your fingers through slowly, only to feel every strand of it._

_Its anatomy looked like a male’s, Makoto thought briefly._

_The shadow looking person didn’t make any move towards him, but it didn’t stand completely still either. It looked like it was swaying slowly from side to side without any obvious purpose. Makoto couldn't see what hair color it had, what it was wearing or what color its eyes were and it made him owervelved with curiosity. He tried to move closer to it, but it seemed like his legs were stuck to the ground under him, making it impossible to move._

_He groaned in despair, focusing intensely at taking a step towards the other._

_Then, the person turned his head. Makoto could feel eyes meet his own, looking closely at him, but he couldn’t see them._

_“Makoto, what are you doing?” a monotone voice that sent chills down his spine wanted to know._

He woke up at home safely in his own bed, sitting up abruptly. That voice… He knew that voice. It was low, but not painfully so.

Makoto threw his blanket away with a sigh. He had goosebumps on his arms though he wasn’t cold.

What was that even? It had been a dream, he knew that, but that voice… That familiar voice, it had sounded a little too real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii guys!:) First of all, I'm so sorry about the delay. I was sick last week in addition to a lot of exams, so I didn't have that much time to write. Also, there is not really that much going on in this chapter, but it is a necessary one.
> 
> I would like to say thank you for all your nice comments and kudos, they all make me really happy, so thank you for that!<3 I've got a week off from school right now, so hopefully the next chapter won't take as long as this one did.


	4. Fears and why you don't let Nagisa choose movies

Walking to school was usually a quiet affair, the silence only being interrupted by a couple of birds flying by the shore. Makoto liked to watch the ocean as he walked, even though he never got an urge to actually go swimming in it, like Nagisa would complain about every time he walked beside it. 

It was a beautiful sight, he would admit that, but it wasn’t something that he wanted to put himself into. The way the waves crashed into shore when it was windy outside made him feel uneasy. Blue could turn to darker colors faster than he liked. Right now, it was sunny outside and the ocean sparkled because of the light. He sighed, it was really beautiful.

The temperature had risen significantly the last few days, going from being chilly mornings that made him reluctant to get out of bed, to warm and sunny. Spring was definitely his favorite season. He had heard people speak about it this way: Spring is the beginning of something new. It wasn’t a stupid thought in his opinion. The flowers were new again, the grass got new and greener; All in all, everything got a new chance. 

It was a nice thought. If you messed up in the winter, you would be able to get a new start in the spring. 

Fortunately, he didn’t feel like it was necessary with a new start this year. Everything had went well. It didn’t stop him from appreciating the season change and the nice weather that it brought with it. 

He was almost halfway to school when he spotted a girl in front of him. She had brown, short hair and was wearing the school’s uniform. 

“Fumiko-san?” he asked hesitantly, afraid that he might be mistaken. How embarrassing would it be, to call someone by the wrong name? He certainly wanted to avoid that. 

Luckily, the girl turned around and he was met by a couple of brown, familiar eyes. He smiled, relieved to have been right. 

“Good morning,” he greeted, jogging over to her. 

She returned the greeting, giving him a small nod. 

“You’re back?” he questioned. She looked much better from the last time he had seen her. They hadn’t had the chance to visit her again at the hospital, and he suddenly felt bad about it. 

She nodded again. “Yes, they declared that I’m healthy enough to go back to school.” 

“That’s fantastic! I’m sorry that we didn’t come visit you again, though.” 

She shook her head, brushing it off like it was nothing. 

“Don’t worry about it, I’m just glad to be out of that place again. It was getting kind of boring to sit there every day and do nothing but stare at the wall, which by the way looked awful.” 

He laughed, and they got into a comfortable pace of walking side by side. 

“That bad, huh?”

“Yes! I mean, who paints a wall that someone is sentenced to look at twentyfour seven a color that resembles vomit?” she groaned in exaggerated despair. “It seriously looked like someone had thrown up all across the wall, I don’t know how I got away from it alive!” 

“I know what you mean, honestly, I’ve never liked hospitals. When I broke my arm in grade 4, I literally refused to go there...” he scratched his chin awkwardly. 

He remembered having climbed up a tree, hearing a cat up there. Next thing he knew, he fell face first down at the ground again. His face came out of it with only a few scratches, but his arm wasn’t that lucky. When his mother and father had driven him to the hospital, he had thrown quite the tantrum, claiming that there was absolutely no reason for him to go there, even though he couldn’t hold back the tears.

He wondered what happened to the cat.

She giggled at the story. “Are you afraid of doctors?”

Makoto shook his head slowly. “No, it’s more the entire atmosphere surrounding the hospital. Not to mention the smell! It all just makes me kind of nauseous. I really don’t envy the people who have to stay there for days.”

“So you’re careful about not getting injured or something like that?” 

He’d never thought of it that way. Sure, if he could, he would definitely prefer to not end up there ever again, but he had always been careful. Makoto knew he could be quite the scaredy cat, Rin would never stop teasing him about it, but he didn’t think that it was because of his fear for hospitals. 

“I guess,” he replied, pulling down the zipper at his jacket a bit more as they started walking straight towards the sun. 

“I wish I’d brought my sunglasses,” he sighed, shielding his eyes with a hand. 

“How is the suicide hotline working?” Fumiko asked after a while. She said it so quietly, as if she was afraid he would hear her. “My mother told me about it.”

Of course she is curious about that, he thought. She just got out of the hospital after a suicide attempt herself. 

“I think it’s a great solution. My phone has been ringing a couple of times already, by the same person actually,” he admitted. 

She turned her head towards him, looking surprised. 

“Wait, you got one of the phones?” 

In a moment of sudden hesitation, Makoto debated whether or not it had been a good idea in the first place to mention anything about it. The fact that he had one of the phones and also that somebody had called him on it; twice. Had someone asked him the same question only a couple of weeks ago, he would have lied and told them that no, he did not have one of the phones and no, no one had called him. 

That is the attitude he had decided to have about it, after all. The conversations were private, no matter what was the topic of conversation. 

It was not like the caller had told him his darkest, most packed away secret. They had simply talked about completely normal things, he had even brought up the topic of cats. A cute, little kitten that apparently enjoyed being petted while eating the mackerel it had received. 

It did not make the conversations feel any less private, maybe even what Makoto could only think of as intimate. 

On the other side, the girl next to him had just gotten released from the hospital. A hospital, the place that he wished for no one to ever have to go to, that was were she had been. And why? 

Because of a suicide attempt.

The exact thing that they were trying to prevent by using the phones. 

Maybe hearing about such a thing could help her? 

He could at least allow himself to answer her latest question truthfully. Yes, he did have a phone. His conscience would not be that hurt if he didn’t tell her about all of it. Leaving out bits and pieces here and there was okay, it wasn’t necessary to tell her about the actual conversations, that was not what she had wanted to know about anyway. 

Hoping that by giving her the knowledge of that someone was indeed using and, even though Makoto had a hard time believing it, felt better by using the hotline, he decided that it couldn’t hurt to tell her that much.

He nodded at first, before realising that she had her head turned away, looking at the sunkissed street they walked on instead of him. 

“Yes, my teacher considered me to be a good choice.”

She pulled her hair behind her ear in an absent manner, looking directly at him again. 

“As far as your reputation goes, that teacher made a good choice,” she remarked. “I’m happy they put up the line, hopefully people will use it.”

They continued their walk to school, each one immersed in their own respective thoughts, Makoto feeling a little bit better about himself than he had when he woke up the same morning. 

~~~

Out of all the hundreds of describing words Makoto could possibly think of, ‘good’ was not the word he would use to describe Nagisa’s usual ideas. He was sceptical out of nature to just about everything that came out of the mouth of the blond, but he had to admit; this one could have been a lot worse. 

Throwing Fumiko a welcome back-party showed to be one of the more decent ideas from Nagisa.

What could go wrong with snacks and a movie anyway?

They were all huddled up in Rei’s couch, except from Rei himself and Nagisa who had insisted on being more comfortable with sitting on the floor. Even Rin had agreed to come, though not without a fair amount of persuasion from Makoto’s side. 

Having the party at Rei’s place had been Nagisa’s idea. He had no idea how he had managed to manipulate the other into agreeing and he was not sure that he even wanted to know. For some reason he did not question Nagisa’s abilities when it came to coaxing Rei into doing things.

The movie that played in front of them was one of the more absurd suggestions from Nagisa. He had currently no idea what it was about, as he had decided to rather hide behind the pillow next to him when the aliens started arriving. 

“You okay behind there, Makoto?” Rin teased, and he removed the pillow just enough to be able to see Rin’s face looking over at him. Fumiko, sitting on the other side of Rin, also turned her attention towards him. 

He chuckled awkwardly before replying with a nod.

He was okay. 

He was okay. 

He really, really was okay.

Not a full minute later, Makoto regretted everything he had ever thought about Nagisa’s ideas being even the slightest good. They were terrible, smug, silly, idiotic, mischievous and absolutely narrow-minded. 

A sudden, loud scream from the television screen startled him so bad it almost felt like his heart was going to seriously stop, until it started beating again fifty times faster than before. The next couple of seconds went by in a haze.

The people in the movie screamed in terror, Makoto screamed even louder, Nagisa laughed so hard he dropped all the popcorn on the floor, and then he was smacked in the face by a pillow. 

“What the hell, Makoto?!” 

“Did you..,” the sentence was cut short by a new wave of hysterical laughter. “Did you see his face? I wish I’d taken a picture!” 

Nagisa was red in the face, bent forward and clutching his stomach all while laughing 

“Shut up, Nagisa!” Rin yelled, throwing another pillow at the blond this time. 

Makoto groaned and let himself fall backwards on the couch, looking up at the roof instead of the television. Rei had helpfully put the video on pause, but he didn’t want to take any chances. 

“Are you alright, Makoto-senpai?”

He looked hesitantly back down, pushing his bangs back with a shaking hand. The small chuckle that left his lips sounded more like a cry for help. 

“Yeah…” 

“You are such a fucking pussy!” Rin announced, groaning like he had just encountered a major problem that needed solving at that very moment. 

Fumiko, having been quiet during the entire incident, decided to speak up. 

“Rin-kun, please stop that! He was just startled a bit,” she stuttered, not meeting his eyes. 

“A bit? Come on, it wasn’t even that scary and he practically screamed like a child!” 

“You jumped too…” 

“Excuse me?!” 

~~~

I am so, so sorry about Rin,” Makoto apologised later that evening. 

Rin had waved goodbye from the trainstation a minute ago, while Nagisa had stayed at Rei’s place claiming that “Someone has to take care of Rei-chan, he’ll probably have nightmares!”. 

He was more worried about himself when it came to that.

It was dark outside, the sun having disappeared from the sky. Makoto pulled his jacked further up. So much for warmer weather. 

“Oh, don’t worry, that’s okay,” she assured. 

“He really means well, he’s just… He’s Rin.” 

“I get it. I like Rin.” She smiled down at her shoes. 

The sentence hung in the air, none of them knowing how to add anything to it. Makoto wasn’t sure he completely understood what she had meant, or if he had simply misheard her. Whichever it was, he was just glad he didn’t have to apologise anymore.

Nagisa’s idea might not have been a huge success, but it wasn’t like he was the one who had forced them all to turn off the movie. He felt bad about that, even though it had been Rin’s idea to just do something else instead, and they all assured him plenty of times that it was fine. 

Playing a board game sounded much better in his ears.

The street lamps were the only thing illuminating the city when Fumiko parted ways with him, mumbling a hasty goodbye. 

The stairs up to his house had never felt longer, and he almost ran up them, paranoid that the aliens from the movie were behind him. 

_Stop thinking about it, Makoto. Stop._

His heart rhythm sped up, only returning back to normal when he spotted a familiar figure sitting further up the stairs. 

At least someone would see it if he was brutally abducted by aliens. 

The boy sitting on the steps had been living there for as long as Makoto could remember, but they had never really talked to each other. Other than the fact that he had black hair and went to the same school as him, he knew rather little about the boy. It was a shame, really. He had never had friends who lived nearby. 

He smiled quickly to him before turning left to his own house, not hanging around long enough to see the surprised look in the other’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* you made it all the way down 
> 
> So some of you probably missed Haru in this chapter, but fear not! The next one will be exclusively from his point of view. We are also getting closer to Makoto and Haruka actually meeting each other. Again, thank you so much for kudos and comments, you're all some of my favorite people on this earth <3


	5. Face to face

Nanase Haruka often found himself in his own company. 

He was alone when he woke up in the morning. He was alone when they chose partners to work with in the classroom until the moment he was forced to notify the teacher with a slightly annoyed “I don’t have a partner” that sounded more like a long sigh than anything else. He was alone when he made dinner at home. He was alone during his walks home from school…

Yes, Haruka thought as he sat down in his living room, he was alone a lot. 

It did not bother him as much as it supposedly bothered other people. He had heard the students in his class complain multiple times about not having had anyone to hang out with the day before like it was something terrible that needed to be fixed right at that very moment. To Haruka, that was just another normal day. It was just the way things was. The way they had been for a long time now. 

He had not always been alone, of course. In fact, he was more or less surrounded with people only a few years ago. His parents, who then lived in the house, would often force him to sit down and have a conversation with them. When the first thing they did after returning home from work was a persistent knock on the door to his room followed by something along the lines of “Haruka, dear, would you mind sitting down with us for a second?”, he knew he had little to no choice but to obey. 

He never hated talking to his parents. It just seemed like too much effort. The conversations were pointless, often only consisting of stupid questions about how his day had been, what he had eaten for lunch and if he had gotten any new friends recently. They seemed worried, but he did not understand why that was. Haruka was absolutely fine, so when his father got a job offer in Tokyo and his parents decided that it was too good to decline, the teen had stayed. 

Haruka sighed and turned on the television. Not because he was planning on actually watching, but he liked the background noise. Watching it was just as interesting as staring into a wall.

Lately, a lot of things and activities had felt similar to wall-staring. Nothing left him feeling satisfied or especially focused anymore, except from water, maybe. Water made him feel good like it always had, it did not change. Most of his afternoons were spent in the bathtub. Sometimes he would also sit outside for a while until it became too cold to be there. That is what he had just done. Sitting, breathing. It was not a lot things to look at, he felt like he had seen it all already. He knew everything around the area, the only new thing to pay interest in was the occasional stray cats who roamed the stairs in search of food. Today he had not seen any of them, but there had been someone.

Haruka knew the boy from before. He had asked his mother when he was little. 

_“Who is that?” He had wondered, tugging slightly at his mother’s sleeve, pointing at the green eyed boy down at the stairs. He was wearing a backpack, standing outside his house and waiting for his parents to catch up with him._

_“That’s the Tachibana’s house, he must be their son. I think he’s about your age, why don’t you go and say hello, Haruka? Maybe you could make a friend.”_

_His mother smiled down at him, pushing him gently forwards. He was quick to retreat, standing behind his mother again, shaking his head fast._

_“I think they are going somewhere.”_

_“What makes you think that?”_

_“The boy, he is wearing a backpack.” In his head, it was pretty obvious, his mother was just slow._

_“Oh, you’re right. You’re very observant, just like your father!” She beemed. Haruka did not know about that._

_She took his hand. “Let’s go inside again, shall we?”_

They had never talked about them after that. He had seen the boy around, of course, but that was that. When he was younger he remembered having been curious about him, but now he tried to avoid him as much as he could.

The teen that walked up the stairs like he was running from something behind him looked nothing like the five year old little boy that Haruka had asked his mother about all those years ago. This person was tall and had broad shoulders. He wondered what could possibly have scared someone like him, because he was without a doubt uneasy. He was looking anywhere but behind him, his eyes wide and walking with hasty steps.

He wondered if he would see him sitting there at the steps, almost hoping for him to just hurry into his house so he would not catch Haruka looking at him. When the teen, Tachibana, came closer, he looked up and all Haruka could do was think _“Shit”_ as it was already too late to look another way. Tachibana had surely seen him looking. 

Haruka almost expected him to roll his eyes or shout at him, but instead he slowed down the rapid walk, brushing his hair out of his face using one hand. Then he looked up again,meeting Haruka’s eyes straight on, not looking away like other people would normally. The corners of his mouth quirked upward and Haruka didn’t know how to describe it other than that the smile lit up his entire face. Tachibana even smiled with his eyes. It was odd, the way his chest suddenly constricted causing him to hurriedly look away from Tachibana and his bright smile.

A moment later he was gone, having returned to his house. Haruka could hear the faint sounds of a woman welcoming him home and laughter from what had to be the other kids in the house. He knew the green eyed boy had siblings, he had seen them. They were smaller than their brother. 

Now, sitting inside his own house, Haruka could not help but wonder why Tachibana had smiled. It was not like he had done anything to deserve it. Normally when he accidently had eye contact with someone the person would either glare at him or quickly break the contact.

Tachibana had smiled. 

There was a part of him that wished that the guy would have chosen to ignore him like most people would. Being smiled at was nothing else than confusing, and Haruka could certainly live without the feeling. 

Sighing for what felt like the fiftieth time that day Haruka directed his eyes at the television to distract himself. It was some kind of news program. He wondered silently if his parents were watching it, remembering late nights when he was supposed to be sleeping but instead lay awake listening to the muffled sound of the television downstairs. 

Maybe they were still working. He didn’t know, they never talked about things such as working hours. They called him every month, usually, but the conversations never went far beyond the ever polite question about how he was doing. It was getting a little hard to answer that question, and he was tired of having to. He didn’t want to talk about that. The phone calls would have been much more enjoyable if they had talked about what they were up to instead of him. 

Sometimes they also asked if he had any plans the upcoming weekend. He would say that he didn’t know, hoping to move on to the next unavoidable question, but deep down he knew what plans he had. 

Bathtub, probably. 

It was all totally pointless. Wake up, go to school, eat and go to sleep again. He was not excited about seeing anyone or doing anything, and it was annoying to hear the people in his class talk about upcoming events or even something as simple as club activities. He didn’t have anything like that.

If this was what the rest of his life was going to be like, he would rather sleep through it all and just wake up one day when it was all fine. 

He shook his head abruptly and got up on his feet, taking a few deep breaths. 

There it was again, that shallow, cold feeling that crept up on him and slithered around his neck like a snake trying to deny him air. The last few times he had felt like this, he had called that number. It had been on impulse. The teacher had given notes with the number on to every single student in the class. Most of the notes were thrown away and Haruka felt sorry for the janitor who would eventually have to clean it all up. He still wasn’t sure why he had kept it and he was even more clueless as to why he had decided to actually use it. 

Forcing his legs to move, he made his way over to the door and unlocked it slowly. It was so quiet outside, but it was not the bad kind of quiet that his house had been filled with the last couple of months. The air was refreshing and he sat down on the steps again. 

Then he looked up at the stars. 

Not because of what the person on the phone had said, he told himself. He simply wanted to look at them because there were many of them and they looked nice. 

The stranger’s advice had helped, though, it had made it easier to fall asleep. Maybe he could call again…? He knew that he would not be able to go to sleep right now, anyway. He felt heavy, but not at all sleepy. The pressure the feeling left was way too heavy for that. 

Was that even the intended use for the line? Probably not, but he still felt like calling it.

He pulled the phone out of his pocket where he had left it after that last call and found the number already on his phone. It rang exactly eleven times before a gravelly voice spoke. “Yes?” 

Haruka hung up. Wrong voice.

He repeated the same thing until his person suddenly was on the line. It wasn’t really that hard, he had figured. You just needed to try for a while. 

“Hello…?” His voice was filled with sleep, making the word drag out. It was only then that Haruka realised how late it really was.

“Sorry.” 

“For what?” 

“You were asleep.” 

“Oh, yes, but it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. It’s you, the same person, isn’t it?” He sounded somewhat more awake now. 

“Yes.”

“Let me guess, you can’t sleep?” The voice was friendly and not mockingly at all, like he was saying it with a smile.

“Yes.” 

“I see. How are you feeling?” 

“...”

He really hated that question.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” There was some sounds of movement on the line, probably some blankets shifting, he guessed. “You would rather listen, right?”

Haruka did not answer, mostly because he had no idea what to say, but he did listen. The guy went on about nothing in particular, telling him willingly again about how cute the cats in his neighborhood were. Haruka thought it was kind of stupid. Cats were cute, but they were just cats.

“Actually, I think I’m going to go out for a while. Maybe I can find one? A cat I mean. If it’s not too late, they might be sleeping. I don’t want to wake my family up, so I’m going out,” he rambled on and Haruka had to fight an urge to roll his eyes. 

Instead he looked around himself. There were no cats out there that he could see. 

A sudden noise made him turn around, trying to locate it. His eyes landed upon a door being opened slowly. The door to the Tachibana’s house. 

Haruka was just about to get up and return to his own house in hopes of not being seen when he heard someone talk. That was weird… Tachibana had now closed the door behind him and leaned against a wall, holding something to his left ear that looked like a phone. And he was talking. And saying exactly the same things as the person on the line. 

“Hmm… I can’t see any cats,” he watched as Tachibana looked around, yawning and using his free hand to cover his mouth. “But it’s really nice outside. Not too col-” 

Haruka wanted to move, he really did, but it was as if he was frozen as Tachibana slowly put his phone down and met his eyes, furrowing his brows in obvious confusion. 

He realised that he was still holding his own, clutching it as tight as he could actually, trying desperately to get his legs to work again. Unable to look away, Haruka watched as he put the phone to his ear again and spoke tentatively. 

“Hello…?” 

There were few incidents that Haruka could look back on and suddenly want to slam his head against a table, repeatedly, but he knew that this was going to end up as one of them. 

Instead of pretending to talk to someone else like any other human in his right mind would have done, Haruka decided that that exact moment was the right one to unclench the fist he had wrapped around his phone. It felt like everything went in slow motion for a while. Like he watched the phone fall down onto the steps for several hours, but in reality it was probably more like a second. The thud the object made as it hit the ground was enough to make him jump. 

“Oh god, your phone!” Tachibana’s voice was suddenly much closer than before, but Haruka was not about to lift his head from where he was staring intensely at the stairs beneath him. Who cared about his phone? What a stupid thing to worry about.

“I am so, so sorry,” Tachibana stammered. His legs was in his vision now, crouching down to pick the phone up from the stairs. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m sorry!” 

Haruka could see that he held the phone out for him to take, but he could not get himself to move. It was new, not being able to move. He felt heavy, like something was holding him down. The whole situation was humiliating and he was sure that his cheeks were burning by now. 

“Are you okay?” 

Oh god, Tachibana was sitting on his knees on the step right under him. He could probably see his face too. Why did it have to be him? Haruka could have dealt with someone he did not know at all, but this was no stranger. This was his neighbor, a person he had seen several times before, someone he recognised. The worst of all was that he would have to see him again.

“Do you want me to leave?” 

_Yes. Please. Go away. Now._

Not a word left his lips. 

“Look at me,” Tachibana pleaded with a low voice. “I need to know that you are okay, at least.”

He was not completely sure what did it, but when he peered up slightly to be met by worried, green eyes it was as if his body started responding to him again. It was not that hard to lift his head anymore. Instead of the relief he should have been feeling, he was overwhelmed by another wave of embarrassment. He must have looked pathetic. 

Tachibana met his eyes without flinching and he looked relieved. Haruka did not know whether he should be glad or annoyed by it. 

Most likely annoyed. 

“Do you want me to help you inside? Again, I’m really sorry. I just didn’t expect to see you there and for it to… Be you, I guess,” he went on, smiling weirdly in a way Haruka did not like. 

“I’m not a child,” he mumbled, standing up and walking towards his house without looking back. He needed to get out of… Out. Right now his own house sounded better than sitting in open air. 

“Wait!” 

He could hear him quickly getting to his feet behind him. 

“Let me at least make sure that you are okay!” 

_You’ve already said that_ , he thought. Now he was sure that he should be annoyed at him. What a meddlesome person. 

“Please, Nanase… Let me make sure you’re okay first. I can make you some tea if you want?” 

Haruka stopped abruptly, still looking at the door to his house.

“How do you know my name?” he demanded. 

“Well, technically I only know your family name…” 

“Whatever.” 

It was not really that weird, now that he thought about it. They lived close to each other, after all. It would not be hard to pick up a name. 

“Tea?”

“I don’t want tea.” 

“But I don’t feel good about leaving you alone after scaring you like that!”

He reached his door, pulling it open. For once, he was actually happy to be there. 

“I will leave you alone, but only if you promise to meet up with me here tomorrow.” Tachibana was looking at the ground, kicking the dirt nervously. 

“What.” Haruka asked flatly. 

“Meet me out here tomorrow, it’s saturday so you don’t have to worry about school.” 

“Why?” 

If he had it his way, he never wanted to see him ever again. It was too embarrassing. 

“It’s either that or you’re letting me make you some tea now. I won’t be able to sleep if not.” 

Haruka entered his house, mumbled a short “Fine.” and locked the door tightly behind himself, hoping that Tachibana had not heard him. He was not going to meet up with him anyway. Right now he planned on never leaving the house again. Ever. 

Outside, he could hear the faint sound of footsteps moving away and was finally able to welcome the feeling of relief, letting it flow through him soothingly. 

Haruka took a few deep breaths before sitting down on the floor, leaning his head against the wall and closing his eyes. 

He should have known that the phonecalls were a bad idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh it's been like two months since the last update I am so sorry guys. I'm actually leaving for vacation now, but updates will be more frequent as soon as I'm back again, I promise. At least this chapter is a bit longer than the rest of them, if that counts as an apology..? I thought I would at least leave you with something. 
> 
> Anyway, say hello to Makoto, Haru! Now, kiss. Hahahaha. No really. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are highly appreciated as usual, I love hearing your thoughts. They mean a lot to me. Thank you very much for reading so far!


	6. As we walk this road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, hi!  
> I have literally had the document I was writing this chapter on open on my computer for months now, opening it once a day only to stare at it for half an hour and maybe writing a few words down. Don't know why it gave me so much trouble, but here it is at last, haha.

By the time all members of the Tachibana family had emerged from their bedrooms and sat down around the breakfast table, Makoto was a wreck. Never before had he wanted to eat breakfast alone more than right then.

They usually didn’t have time enough to eat breakfast together, they all sat around the table, but it was never much talking involved because of the fact that one of them almost always managed to oversleep. They always did on the weekends though, which was something that he usually thought of as a good thing and appreciated.

Today, however, it meant that he had to hide the trembling in his hands and keep track of the conversation simultaneously to avoid coming off as suspicious.

What on earth had he thought of last night? Ask him to meet him out there? 

He had not been lying when he told Nanase that he wouldn’t be able to sleep if he didn’t make sure he was okay, but he could have just asked him to call or something! It would be awkward to meet again, it had to be, especially for Nanase. Had he even been concerned about his feelings on the matter at all? God, he was terrible. 

The distressed look on the other’s face yesterday should have been enough to make him think twice before saying something like that. Now that he had had some time to think it through, he regretted it immensely. It was a stupid thing to ask. After all, he had basically unintentionally taken the whole being anonymous thing away from him. If their places had been reversed, Makoto would have never wanted to see him again simply because of the sheer embarassment. And he was stupid enough to ask him to meet him again? He felt like ripping his hair out. 

He still had a hard time processing what had happened. The realisation that he had been receiving calls from a person he knew the face of and was able to recognize, was more than surprising. Nanase probably had it worse. 

“Makoto, can you send the rice?” His father smiled to him from across the table, pulling him out of his thoughts. 

“Oh, sure!” he hurried while holding the rice out for his father to take, almost knocking over his glass in the process. 

“Careful, are you okay?” his mother asked, sending him a worried look. “You seem distracted.” 

“Onii-chan almost spilled this time! It wasn’t me!” Ren snickered while eyeing his sister. 

“Don’t you worry about that, sweetie, I bet it’s only a matter of time before you do,” his mother commented teasingly. 

“Hey!” 

Makoto, grateful to his mother for distracting the twins, hurriedly ate the rest of his food. 

 

A couple of hours later, Makoto found himself out on the stairs again. It had taken a lot of thinking and worrying to make the decision to go, but in the end his conscience won. What if he actually showed up and Makoto did not? It was better to be on the safe side, even if he had his doubts.

Needless to say, he was surprised when he suddenly stood looking at Nanase up the stairs. The other didn’t meet his eyes, seemingly intensely focused on his shoes. 

“Uh…H- Hello,” he stuttered, trying to muster up the courage to smile. He was pretty sure it looked more like a grimase than anything. 

Nanase mumbled a greeting under his breath, still not looking up. 

“Do you… Want to come down here? We can take a walk maybe?” He was out of ideas of what to do. Another flaw in his plan to meet him out here. “Oh, but you don’t have to, of course!” he added quickly.

“...Okay.” 

They ended up walking along the shore and Makoto constantly felt like he was walking too fast. He tried not to hurry, he really did, but he couldn’t help it. He had a tendency to do everything faster when he was nervous, being it talking or just walking like they did at the moment. 

Nanase didn’t seem to mind, though. He stared intensely at the ocean the entire walk, head turned away from Makoto. They didn’t talk. At first, Makoto had tried to stir up a conversation, hoping to ease the tension, but Nanase either responded curtly or kept quiet all together. 

It was frustrating. Usually he didn’t have any problems making small talk, but this was different. The memory of last night still repeated itself in his head, preventing him from thinking of anything else when he looked at the other. Maybe if he got to know something else about him?

“So… What do you like to do?” he asked, and tried to hide the fact that his voice was shaking. 

“Like to do?” Nanase still wouldn’t look at him, but at least he responded. 

“Yes. I mean like in your spare time.”

Nanase mumbled something that Makoto couldn’t catch. 

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Nothing.”

Makoto felt like groaning, having missed an opportunity to talk to him. He really needed to listen more carefully next time.

“Nothing as in you didn’t say anything? Or you don’t do anything?” He felt stupid.

“Why do you want to know anyway?” 

_Oh god he sounds annoyed_ , Makoto thought, running a hand nervously through his hair. 

“I would like to get to know you, we live pretty close to each other after all. We could be friends if you want,” he suggested. Was that too pushy? Did I mess up now? 

Nanase was quiet for a some time and Makoto had just come to terms with the fact that he probably wouldn’t answer at all when he spoke again.

“I don’t really do that much.” Pause. “I like baths.” 

Makoto tried to hide his surprise. “Baths?” 

A noncommittal hum. “Yes. They are nice. Relaxing.”

He was right, after all, even if Makoto wouldn’t really count that as an activity. A thought popped into his head.

“I like to swim, that’s basically the same thing, right?” He smiled brightly, trying to keep the mood light.

“If you say so.”

The walked in silence again until Makoto finally spotted something else than the ocean.

“Oh, that’s the playground I used to go to as a kid! Do you mind if we go there?” he asked, pointing towards the small playground. It was really no more that a couple of swings and a red slide, but it brought back memories from countless of afternoons spent there with other children, and later his siblings.

Nanase looked the direction he was pointing, raising an eyebrow skeptically. 

“A playground?”

Makoto chuckled into his fist. “Yes! I used to play there a lot when I was little. We can sit on the swings.” 

“Okay.” 

And that was what they ended up doing. Even if his feet now touched the ground as he was swinging, he still enjoyed it. The place was full of memories for him. The big tree on the other side of the playground still had that carved drawing of a cat. He knew, because he was the one who had made it, back when he was six. 

“I still don’t know your name, would you mind telling me?” Makoto asked, genuinely curious. 

“You haven’t told me yours either.”

_He hadn’t?_

“I’m sorry! I totally forgot. I’m Tachibana Makoto.” 

“...Nanase Haruka.”

Makoto could feel himself light up. “Haruka? You have a girly name just like me!” It was funny, in a weird way. “That means we have something in common already.” 

Haruka huffed and kicked at the ground. “I don’t like it.”

“What? Your name?”

“Mm.” 

Makoto himself had never minded the girly name, it was just what his parents had happened to name him. Sure, there had been multiple awkward situations where he had to explain afterwards that yes, he was very much a male, but it wasn’t that bad. People usually just teased him about it for some time, but then no one mentioned it again. 

“Because it’s girly?”

Haruka nodded. “It’s stupid.” 

“Hmm…” Makoto hummed thoughtfully. “What if I call you Haru, then, would that be okay?”

A nod, but Makoto still thought he looked kind of doubtful. “Okay.”

“It’s nice to finally talk to you, Haru. I’ve seen you around before, but I was too shy to approach you!” he chuckled, thinking back at all the times he had wanted to play with him. 

“Really?” 

His voice sounded so unsure. It made Makoto sad.

“Absolutely! I’ve always wanted to be your friend.”

“That’s.... Hmm.” Haruka looked away, biting his lip. 

“I have an idea. What do you say we go to school together on Monday?”

Haruka fidgeted with his hands. _Is he anxious?_

“To make up for all the lost time when I was too shy to say hi, you know. I think it would be really nice.”

Haruka sighed.

“Okay.” 

Makoto smiled in relief, happy that he had agreed. “Great! I’ll meet you out on the stairs again, Haru. We can go back home now if you want to.”

Haruka nodded and stood up from the swing. 

“...Thank you for not saying anything about yesterday,” he mumbled and started walking, hands hidden inside of the sleeves of his jacket. 

“Thank you for coming today,” Makoto replied as he followed him back home, heart beating just a bit faster than before. 

 

“Haru-chan, you like swimming too? That’s awesome! You should join our club, you even have a girly name! It’s a sign, I just know it! We needed another person and here you are, you’ll join and then we’ll win many tournaments and we’ll have so much fun and-”

“Nagisa,” Makoto smiled, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. “We should let Haru decide that for himself, right? Not that I wouldn’t want you to join, it really would be great,” he added, looking at Haruka. 

Being in a real swim club again was nice, but they still needed another member before they could enter tournaments. Makoto had asked Haruka if he wanted to come watch their training, which he to Makoto’s surprise had agreed to, even if he had added “If you want me to” after the short nod. 

They had walked to school together every day the last couple of weeks, and both Nagisa and Rei had practically accepted him into their small group of friends from day one. For that Makoto was especially grateful.

Haruka would wait for him out on the steps every day, and Makoto would hurriedly apologise for being late. He had always hated mornings, that needed to change. He imagined Haruka waiting for him in the winter, cold and probably still sleepy. No, he definitely needed to become better at getting up from bed. 

That being if they still walked together in the winter. Makoto certainly hoped so. The company was pleasant, even if they did not talk that much. Haruka mostly just stared at the ocean the entire walk, occasionally at Makoto if he was asked a question. It was almost routine by now. 

Makoto had also found out that Haruka was a very calm person to be around. He never jumped on him like Nagisa would, or said anything in a sudden loud voice. He was… All in all very calming, and it was affecting Makoto as well.

He was not predictable, though. 

Haruka still got that odd look in his eyes whenever Makoto asked him to hang out. He had even invited him to eat dinner with his parents at his house, but the other had declined that invitation, claiming he had something else to do.

Other than that, he hadn’t pushed Makoto away like he had feared he would. And best of all, things were not as awkward between them anymore as they were in the beginning.They still had not talked about that night, and Makoto had a feeling that they weren’t going to either. That was okay, as long as Haruka was okay too.

“Well, I…” Haruka began, trying to answer Nagisa, but the sentence only ended up hanging in the air. Blue eyes locked silently with Makoto’s.

“We don’t have to decide anything right now.” He smiled, trying to be reassuring. “Where is Rei?” Makoto looked around. 

Now that he thought about it, Rei should have been there by now. He hadn’t seen him since lunch break.

“He is going to get us ice cream!” 

Nagisa stretched his arms enthusiastically over his head, grinning widely. 

“Really? That’s nice of him, but we didn’t give him any money,” Makoto realised, frowning slightly. 

“Don’t worry, Rei-chan is very nice! Very generous.” 

Haruka huffed, but when Makoto looked at him he seemed more amused than anything, lips curved upwards, barely noticeable, but there.

“What?” he asked, curious to know the reason behind his sudden good mood. He had yet to hear him laugh.

Haruka shook his head, pulled off his shoes and sat down at the edge of the pool. The way he closed his eyes and dangled his legs in the water was almost captivating. His usual deadpan expression seemed to wear off for a while. 

Makoto smiled and decided that he really liked that. 

About half an hour later, Rei came running to the pool, carrying various boxes of ice cream. He put the boxes down at the ground, stopping for a while to catch his breath. Makoto, already in the water doing laps, hurriedly got up and walked over to him. 

“I... I got the ice cream like you asked,” he stated, out of breath and resting his arms heavily on his knees. 

“Asked? What do you mean?” Makoto tilted his head in confusion. 

Haruka turned his head from where he was still sitting by the edge of the pool and opened his mouth to speak, only to be hurriedly pulled into the pool, clothes and all, by Nagisa. 

“Nagisa! What are you doing?!” 

“Relax, Mako-chan, we’re having fun!” 

“I’ll let Haru decide that!” 

Haruka, having resurfaced again, shook water out of his hair and looked Makoto in the eyes. “Nagisa told Rei that you asked him to buy as much ice cream as he could carry and bring it to you,” he explained, speaking fast. 

“Haru-chan, you promised you wouldn’t tell!” Nagisa sulked, nuzzling his head into his back. Haruka didn’t seem to mind, though. 

“What? Why would you do that?” 

“Because I wanted ice cream and Rei-chan never listens to me for some reason. It’s super annoying!” 

Rei, having kept quiet so far sat heavily down on the ground. “Nagisa-kun… I can’t believe you.”

Nagisa got up from the pool and walked over to the ice cream. “Well, we can’t just let it melt, can we? After all, you went through so much trouble to get it.” He winked at Rei. 

“I’ll pay you back,” Makoto whispered in Rei’s direction and sighed dejectedly. “Haru, come eat ice cream with us,” he called, smiling. It was a warm day after all, maybe the ice cream was not that bad of an idea after all. Still, he would talk to Nagisa later.

“I’ll just stay here,” Haruka announced, floating on his back with his eyes closed. 

 

He walked home with Haruka later that day, whose clothes were still very much dripping with pool water. The other did not even seem to notice, or he just did not care at all.

“Did you have fun today?” Makoto asked gently, not really wanting to break the comfortable silence by speaking too loud. 

Haruka nodded and Makoto would have missed it if he had not already been looking. It was weird, how he always ended up looking at him no matter how much he tried to avoid it. Even if it was only sideway glances, he felt restless if he didn’t. He wanted to know how he reacted when he said things, if he had any nervous habits he should be on outlook for. Anything. 

As long as it would help him understand him better, he wanted to know. 

“Hey… How did you know about what Nagisa told Rei?” he asked tentatively. 

Haruka sighed and readjusted his backpack. “I heard them talking, but Nagisa caught me looking.” 

“But you were with me all the day, I didn’t hear anything?”

“Maybe you just weren’t listening closely enough.” 

Makoto spent the rest of the walk thinking about that.

When they arrived at the stairs, they said goodnight and walked to their separate houses. Makoto also turned around to look at Haruka’s house before entering his own. He always did. Different from the other times now was that Haruka did not enter his house, but instead sat down on the stairs just outside his door. Their eyes locked for a moment and Makoto blushed.

“Are you not going in?”

“Soon. I’ll watch the stars for a while first.” And then he smiled, still not looking away, and Makoto suddenly wanted nothing more than to look at those blue eyes for as long as he could, not caring if he was cold or hungry or sleepy. It didn’t matter. Right then and there... Only Haruka did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Do you know that feeling you get when you finally post a chapter that took you forever to write for no apparent reason? Yeah.  
>  Thank you for reading so far, I love you ♥
> 
> Kudos and comments are highly appreciated, I love hearing your thoughts!


	7. One step forward, two back

They sat in Makoto’s room playing video games, Rin and himself. It was an old game, and Makoto had beaten all the bosses multiple times before. The only reason that they played it again was that all of the other games currently was in Ren and Ran’s room. It was late, and Makoto was not about to take the chance to go and get it. One wrong step and he would be caught, and then both he and Rin would probably be doomed to read them stories until they fell asleep again.

Besides, he didn’t really mind the game. 

Rin focused intensely at the screen in front of him, muttering stuff Makoto couldn’t make any sense out of every now and then. Makoto himself didn’t take it that serious. He knew Rin would beat him anyway; he had always been the better at video games between the two of them. 

“Rin, stop that! I’m already dead,” Makoto protested half-heartedly, watching Rin’s character jump on his own again. 

“Can’t take the loss, huh?” Rin turned and smirked at him, leaning his back against the bed.

Makoto rolled his eyes and put the controller down. “It’s more that I can’t really keep my eyes open anymore.”

“What, you ready for bed already? Come on, it’s only like 12 pm.” 

_12:47_ , Makoto thought dryly, not bothering to mention it aloud.

He nodded and gave Rin an apologetic smile. “Sorry, you can keep playing if you want.”

Rin scoffed. “Yeah, because that’s so much fun,” he mumbled sarcastically. “What have you been up to lately, anyway? You’ve basically been more zombie than human. It’s freaking me out.”

“Really? I guess I’ve just been busy, don’t worry.”

He knew what the reason was, though. 

No matter how tired he got, he would usually lay in bed for a long time every night, unable to sleep simply because he worried. Especially about Haruka. He hadn’t received any phone calls from him after the one that led them to meet, which was understandable. Makoto just hoped he talked to someone else instead.

There must have been a reason for the calls, after all.

Then there was the other thing keeping him up, the ugly one.

He didn’t like the thought of Haruka calling someone else. It was a feeling that he tried to shove as far back into his mind as he possibly could, hoping that it would disappear completely. Even if he knew it was bad to be thinking like that, it was hard to avoid. He wasn’t completely sure what it was, but it reminded him of jealousy. 

Which made no sense whatsoever, and he felt bad for even thinking it. Thus the sleepless nights.

Rin sighed and turned off the game. “If you say so.” He didn’t sound too convinced. “You going to set up a futon for me or what?” 

Makoto got up on his feet and yawned, hiding his mouth with his hand. “Of course.” 

“Nah, I’ll just do it myself. Can’t risk you falling asleep standing, your mother would never speak to me again.” Rin got up too and pushed Makoto firmly in the direction of his bed. 

“I don’t think she would do that, Rin. She loves you.” 

Makoto knew Rin was blushing even if it was dark in the room. He was quickly out of the room again, and Makoto changed into more comfortable clothes before slipping into bed. 

He didn’t remember having heard Rin come in again afterwards, so he assumed he fell asleep before that. 

 

Haruka was still a bit tense around the rest of his group of friends, but Makoto felt like he was more or less relaxed when it was just the two of them. He hoped he would loosen up around the others too eventually. Maybe he was just shy.

Waiting for Haruka outside of his classroom had become routine by now. He did so every day. Even if they were both second years, they were still in different classes.

Makoto had been standing there for a while now, and most of the people in the classroom seemed to have left it. He hadn’t seen Haruka yet, though. Sometimes he wouldn’t come out at all, staying in the classroom until Makoto eventually walked in. Then he would shake his head when Makoto asked if he wanted to have lunch with them, claiming that he weren’t hungry. 

It happened less frequently now, but Makoto knew what to expect when he still hadn’t come out after ten minutes. 

He walked into the room, smiling when he saw a familiar figure sitting at the same spot as always. Haruka showed no sign of having heard him enter, so Makoto tried to make his footsteps a little louder to avoid startling him. 

“Are you alright, Haru?” he asked tentatively, sitting down in the empty chair beside him. 

Haruka didn’t look surprised to see him like he had the first few times. For some reason it made Makoto happy.

“Yes, just not hungry,” he mumbled, just like Makoto knew he would. 

“Oh, okay then.” He smiled, trying to get a good look at his face, which was hard because he kept looking out the window. Makoto noticed that he was drawing absentmindedly in his notebook at the same time. “What are you drawing?” he asked, curious.

Haruka looked down at the pencil he was holding, tilting his head slightly, almost as if he hadn’t realised what he was doing. 

“It’s a doodle, I guess. Just lines.” He drew a curved line as if to prove it.

Makoto didn’t say anything, watching in silence as Haruka now directed his focus to his notebook, drawing with an unreadable expression on his face. 

“Aren’t you going?” Haruka asked after a while, not looking up. 

“Going?” 

“To eat. They are probably waiting for you.”

Makoto scratched his chin and brought his food out from his bag, placing it on the table. 

“I think I’ll eat here today, if that’s alright,” he spoke, taking a bite of rice. Haruka glanced at him quickly before returning to his drawing. 

“What about your friends?” he wondered, turning the page on his notebook. 

Makoto finished chewing before answering. “Don’t worry, they’ll understand. Besides, you are my friend, too.” 

Haruka huffed. “Stop saying stuff like that.” 

“But it’s true. We are friends, aren’t we?” Makoto chuckled. Deep down inside he was afraid to hear the answer. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that. 

“I guess, if you want to,” Haruka sighed, still drawing. 

Makoto cheered silently to himself, nodding.

“Are those waves?” he asked, pointing towards the drawing. 

“Mm, they are calming.”

 _Another thing to remember for later_ , Makoto thought, bringing a vegetable to his mouth. 

“Hey Haru, what do you say we share the rest of the food?” he suggested, not feeling good about him not eating anything. 

Haruka put his pencil down and rubbed his neck. Was he tense?

“I told you, I’m not hungry,” he reminded. 

“But you will feel better if you eat something.”

“Who said anything about me not feeling well?” Haruka asked with a frown. 

Makoto was just about to stutter an apology, but Haruka shook his head, speaking again. “Fine, I’ll eat, but only if you let me come watch your swimming practice again.” 

He laughed, pushing the bento between them. “Deal! But I was planning on inviting you anyway.”

Haruka joined the swim club a week later.

 

It was not as if Makoto had planned to get sick, but when he woke up with a sore throat and a feeling of people playing drums in his head, he knew he was done. 

He opened his eyes carefully, squinting as a result of his headache. His nose was stuffed, adding up to his discomfort. Giving the clock on his bedside table a quick glance, he realised that he had overslept again. He was just about to get up when someone knocked on his door. 

“Makoto, are you awake?” his mother asked, opening the door to his room and turning the lights on. 

“Yes, I’m getting up now,” he said, wincing at the pain in his throat. His voice sounded hoarse. 

“Are you sick?” His mother moved over to his bed and leaned down to feel his forehead. “Oh, sweetie, you have a fever.” She stroked his hair, a worried expression on her face.

“I’m feeling alright,” Makoto lied, trying to sit up only to be pushed gently but firmly down again.

“I think you should stay home today,” she said in the way that made Makoto instantly know that she wasn’t a force to be reckoned with. He sighed and nodded, too uncomfortable to protest further. 

His mother disappeared from the room for a moment, only to return fifteen minutes later with some soup and a pill. 

“Make sure you eat the food first,” she began. “I have to run a quick errand, but I will be back in an hour. Your father left for work already, please call me if you need anything.” She placed a soft kiss on his forehead, smoothing his bangs back. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he smiled and sat up properly in the bed. 

The soup was good, he guessed, even if he couldn’t really taste anything, but it made his throat feel a bit better. He lay back down in his bed and closed his eyes.

Missing school always made him feel guilty and he always felt like he had missed a lot when he returned. Hopefully he would feel better tomorrow. 

He wondered what Haru was doing…

_HARU._

His eyes flew open again. 

The realisation that he had forgotten to let him know he wouldn’t be able to meet him out on the stairs as per usual hit him hard. What if he came to school late because of him? 

There was nothing he could do now, so he decided to go over to his house later to apologise. 

_I hope he is okay._

 

 _17.24 pm._

Haruka should be home now, Makoto figured while walking down the stairs to the living room, holding onto the railing. He was quite dizzy. 

“Makoto?” his mother’s voice reached him from the kitchen. “Is that you?”

“Yes.” he croaked, voice hoarse.

He walked into the kitchen where she was currently busy cooking a meal. Ren and Ran sat by the table doing homework.

“Onii-chan! We weren’t allowed to disturb you,” Ran pouted, looking at him with big eyes. 

He chuckled. “I’m fine, don’t worry. We can play a game later if you want.” 

Ren chewed on his pencil, not looking convinced. “If you were fine you would have helped us with our homework, because you always do,” he reasoned. 

Makoto turned away for a moment to sneeze before answering, but his mother took over before he could open his mouth.

“Your brother will be fine after sleeping some more,” she reassured them, stirring something in a pot. 

He smiled, before remembering why he got there in the first place. “I’m going out for a while, if that’s okay.”

His mother turned around to look at him, surprise evident in her face. “Out?” she asked, brushing her hair behind her ear in a swift motion. “You’re still sick, Makoto.”

“I’m feeling much better, honestly. I won’t go far anyway.”

“Where exactly?”

Makoto chewed nervously on the inside of his cheek. He hadn’t told her about Haruka yet, but he couldn’t find any reason not to.

“You know the Nanase family that lives just up the stairs?”

His mother seemed to think for a while. “Oh, yes. I haven’t seen them around much, though. Only their son.”

“That’s Haru, his parents doesn’t live there anymore,” he explained, wishing he knew why.

“Do you know him?” she asked, curious. 

“Yes, we’ve talked a bit lately. He seems really nice.” 

His mother smiled, clapping her hands together happily.

“How lovely! I remember you would always stare at him, never daring to go all the way up to him. You were so shy back then,” she chuckled. “Are you visiting him now?”

Makoto nodded.

“Not fair,” Ran spoke, looking at Makoto with narrowed eyes. “We never get to skip dinner!” 

“I just have to talk to him, it won’t take that long,” he promised, trying to hide a cough. 

“Well, I suppose it’s alright since it’s only right up the stairs, but make sure to come right back home. We’ll eat when your father comes home from work.” She smiled gently.

“Thanks mom.” He would have kissed her cheek had it not been for the fact that he didn’t want her to get sick too. 

He was out the door not long after, beginning his climb up the stairs. The air outside was refreshing after having been laying in his bed all day. His nose was awfully runny though, and he felt gross nevertheless. The walk took longer than it normally would have because of the dizziness that had yet to disappear. His entire body felt heavy.

When he eventually came up to Haruka’s house, he rang the doorbell twice, hoping he didn’t disturb anything.

Maybe he wasn’t even home.

He worried for nothing, because the door opened shortly after, revealing Haruka standing in the doorway. 

His eyes widened, staring at Makoto as if he had just seen a ghost. 

He actually looked pretty awful, if Makoto was to be honest. His black hair that usually was perfectly in place was now more or less tousled. His eyes were puffy and somewhat red. Had he been crying? Makoto frowned, worried. 

“Hi! A-Are you alright?” he asked, clearing his voice. 

“Yeah.”

“Um… That’s good. Can I come in?”

“Why?”

Makoto forced himself to smile. “I just wanted to talk to you for a while since I wasn’t able to come to school today.” 

Haruka stared at him before stepping further into the house, and Makoto took it as an invitation to come inside. He had never been in his house before, but he immediately liked the place. It even smelled nice. Well, what he was able to smell with a stuffed nose at least. 

He took off his shoes and followed Haru inside to what he assumed was the living room. It was a cozy place in his opinion. They both sat down at the small table in the center of the room. 

“I was sick, that’s why I couldn’t come and meet you today,” Makoto explained immediately. “I’m sorry I forgot to let you know.”

“Oh.” Haruka looked down at the wooden flooring.

“I hope you didn’t wait for me too long. You didn’t get late because of me, did you?”

“It’s fine.”

The atmosphere was tense, and Makoto wondered if they were back where they started again. Had he ruined everything? 

_I hope not, because you are all that’s on my mind. It’s odd, how we’ve only known each other for three weeks (not that I’m counting), and yet it feels like years. I want to talk to you. I want to listen to you. I want to sit with you._

“Was school okay?” 

“I,” Haruka started, looked up at Makoto, looked down again and took a deep breath. “I didn’t go.”

His expression, though still deadpan, seemed tenser to Makoto. Less composed. More like he was trying not to let him see anything past it. 

_Is he shutting me out?_

What he had thought of as a cozy room only seconds ago now felt smothering, like the walls were somehow closing in on them, pushing them together with an agonizingly slow speed. It was too warm, and Makoto wasn’t completely sure that it was solely from the fever anymore. 

He dried his sweaty hands on his thighs and coughed. 

“Why not? You’re not sick too, are you?” he worried, thinking of all possible scenarios. He could have infected him or maybe he overslept and decided not to go. Maybe the classes had been cancelled without his knowledge… 

“No, I… Not exactly,” Haruka mumbled, voice so small that Makoto had to lean closer over the table to hear. “I just didn’t feel well and you weren’t there either so… There wasn’t any point in going.”

For a moment, it was dead quiet in the room, with the exception of Makoto’s breathing that was louder than usual because of his cold. Haruka fiddled uncomfortably under Makoto’s stare, avoiding his eyes as per usual. 

Why did he do that? 

Makoto, still trying to process the fact that Haruka hadn’t gone to school because he weren’t there, was unable to look away.

He should say something.

“Haru, are you lonely?” He heard himself asking, and he wondered briefly what made him do so. 

But truth was, he knew. 

It hurt. 

Not because of his headache. 

Not because of the uncomfortable atmosphere that had been around them the last minutes.

It hurt. It hurt because of Haruka. 

Or maybe because Haruka was hurting. 

“I don’t want people to leave me, not again. I don’t like it,” Haruka mumbled.

His tone hadn’t changed, it had the same bluntness that Makoto had grown familiar with the last weeks.

 _Then why are your hands shaking so badly? I can see it, you know. I can see the way you are clutching the edge of the table as if you’re going to fall if you don’t. I wish I could hold your hand instead. Not to keep you down, but to secure._

_Then again, maybe it’s best like this. Maybe this is exactly what you need right now._

“I won’t leave, Haru, I promise. Not unless you want me to.” He tried to sound reassuring, but it was hard with the sore throat. 

Haruka nodded slowly. “My grandmother used to say that too, but it wasn’t true.”

“I’m sure she had her reasons if she left.” Makoto broke in, frowning.

“No. She died.” 

“Oh Haru, I’m so sorry.” 

Haruka nodded again. “Of course you are. People are always sorry, but it doesn’t help.” He took a deep breath as if to compose himself again, but the exhale that followed was shaky. “It doesn’t matter, nothing matters!” he exclaimed, shaking his head furiously back and forth. “And I don’t know why.”

There it was again. It hurt. 

Haruka wasn’t crying, nor saying anything else, but somehow the silence and absolute apathy in him was worse. His eyes were dull, but at the same time there was something about him that seemed almost desperate. 

Makoto almost let another “sorry” pass his lips, but he gritted his teeth together in the last second, avoiding the slipup. 

One part of him told him that he hadn’t got any reason to be surprised. After all, he had received phone calls. He knew what the phone calls were supposed to be. 

“It’s going to be okay, Haru. You might not see it right now, but it will,” he promised, not knowing what else to say. 

_I’m not good at this, I don’t even know what I’m doing._

He moved closer to him, reaching out and touching his shoulder gently. The contact felt good, and Makoto suddenly wanted to do more. He wanted to embrace him, shield him from the world. If only for a little while. 

But Haruka pushed him away like he had been burned, stood up abruptly, and for once, there wasn’t a trace of apathy in his face. 

“D-Don’t! You’ll just leave like everyone else, and then I’ll be back here again,” he gestured to the room. “And it’ll be even worse than before!” 

He shook visibly now. Makoto stood up as well, not daring to move closer. 

“Haru, I’m not going anywhere. I don’t know what happened in the past, but I promise you that I won’t leave, okay? I won’t, Haru.” 

He gritted his teeth again, blinking away tears that had appeared in his eyes without his consent. 

Useless. That’s what he felt like. He wanted so badly to help, but he didn’t know how. 

_Why am I the one fighting tears? Stop it, Makoto._

Haruka kept quiet, much like Makoto was used to. His earlier outburst seemed to have drained him. 

“Haru,” Makoto repeated. “Let’s sit down again, alright?” He forced a smile, trying his best not to sway on his feet. He felt dizzy again, and his head had started to pound painfully. 

And they did, keeping a respectable distance between each other. Haru glanced nervously at him from the corner of his eyes every now and then, and Makoto smiled each time. 

_I want you to look at me, and see that I’m right here. If only this dizziness would go away for a minute..._

“Makoto.”

_Why would I want to leave you? Why would anyone want to leave you? I’m happy right here with you..._

“You don’t look so good. Maybe you should lay down.” He could feel someone shake his shoulder. “Makoto?”

_I’m so tired, why is the room spinning?_  
 _Haru…_

“Makoto!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops
> 
> This chapter turned out to be a bit on the lengthy side, hopefully you don't mind. Kudos and comments are very much appreciated as always, I love hearing your thoughts! You guys are lovely <3  
> Thanks for reading so far.


	8. Wakey-wakey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm 100% sure that Haru is the king of sarcasm tbh

“M-Makoto…?”

The room was dead quiet and all Haruka could hear was the ticking coming from the old clock on the wall to his left that he had not bothered to take down when his grandmother died as well as his own heartbeat. Makoto lay slumped forward on the small table between them, and his arm was bent in a way that surely must have been painful. 

Haruka got up on his feet quickly and nudged him carefully. “Makoto?” he tried again, a little louder this time. He did not get an answer.

Swallowing thickly, Haruka knelt down beside him and tried his best to get him to lay on his back instead. He was heavy, and Haruka almost almost got caught underneath him when he pulled him back. Instead Makoto’s head ended up in his lap. 

He kept still for a while, biting his lip hard enough to tear skin. “Makoto, can you hear me?”

The teen remained limp, and Haruka reached out with a shaky hand to brush his bangs out of his face, grimacing when he felt how hot his skin was. A few droplets of sweat had collected on his forehead. 

Makoto was sick, that was why he had come there in the first place, Haruka reminded himself. His heart was beating uncomfortably fast in his chest, making it hard to take deep breaths. He removed his hand from Makoto’s face and tried nudging him again, for some reason afraid of touching him too much. It felt weird. Foreign. 

Having no idea what to do, Haruka lifted Makoto’s head carefully off of his lap and put a pillow underneath him. Then he got up and took a step back, balling his shaking hands into fists. 

He could see that Makoto’s breathing was more laboured than he liked from where he was standing, and it made his stomach turn with anxiety.

Makoto had been fine just a moment ago, hadn’t he? It wasn’t fair that he would collapse right then. It just wasn’t. It brought back memories from his grandmother’s last few days, she had been sick too. 

What had he done back then? 

Cool washcloth!

Haruka turned on his heel in a hurry and jogged over to the bathroom, looking frantically for something to lay on Makoto’s forehead. He found a blue washcloth in the back of his cabinet and wetted it with water from the sink before returning to the living room. 

The other had not moved an inch from where he had left him, and Haruka knelt down beside him again to lay the cloth on his forehead, careful to remove his hair first. He pulled his hand back again when he was done and fiddled nervously with the hem of his sweater. Did that even help anything? It seemed stupid. 

Makoto’s expression was almost peaceful, and Haru couldn’t help but be annoyed by it. It was the complete opposite of what he himself was feeling. 

He had no control over the situation, and he hated it. 

More than anything, he hated that Makoto wasn’t answering him. 

Haruka decided to wait another few minutes before doing anything else, and if Makoto had yet to wake up by then, he would go get help. 

The windows were closed and he opened them to get some cool air in, pushing the curtains away. When he got back he adjusted the cloth on Makoto’s forehead just to do something, and he grimaced when he noticed how warm it had gotten already. 

Grabbing a clear bowl from the kitchen, Haruka filled it up with cold water and placed it beside Makoto before dipping the cloth in it, twisting it to get rid of the excessive water. 

“Makoto?” he tried again as he put the cloth back. “Makoto, wake up.” 

His voice sounded weird in his own ears. Smaller than usual. 

He cleared his throat and pulled at the neck of his sweater, suddenly feeling a bit suffocated. “I’m going to go and get your parents,” he told before pausing nervously and biting the inside of his cheek. “Okay?”

Haruka hadn’t expected an answer, not really, but he still sighed heavily when the silence went on.

He needed to get someone to help, he did not have it under control. In fact, he had no idea what he was doing. Memories from his grandmother’s last days appeared once again, but he shook them off before they got the chance to evolve any further. It was easier now after years of practice. 

The door was harder to open than usual, and he had never been more scared to make his way down those stairs. It was as if something was pulling him back to his own house. Back to Makoto. 

When he finally did make it to where he knew Makoto lived, he reached out to ring the doorbell, but stopped only centimeters from it, hand still midair. He stared at his hand and how much it was shaking. 

What was he even going to say? Hello, my name is Nanase Haruka and your son is laying unconscious in my house? 

_Yeah, that would totally work._

He sighed in exasperation and put his hand down. There was no way to do it properly. 

“Hello there?” 

Haruka jumped at the sudden noise and turned around trying to located the voice it had come from. 

“Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you.” A tall man smiled brightly at him, making his way up the last few steps before walking up to Haruka. 

“It’s okay,” Haruka mumbled, suddenly feeling embarrassed. 

“Were you going to ring the doorbell?” the man asked. 

_I don’t have time for this_ , Haruka thought, his concern for Makoto growing by the second. 

“Yes.”

“I live there, what did you want?” 

Haruka’s eyes widened as he put the pieces together. Makoto’s father, he recognised him now. 

“Um, I just… Could you....,” he trailed off, staring intensely at his shoes. “Could you come help me? With Makoto I mean. He’s not waking up.”

_He’s not waking up? Great job, Haru. Fantastic._

For a moment he considered actually slapping himself, but the other’s expression stopped him.

“What do you mean?” Makoto’s father asked, concern evident in his voice. 

“Makoto is at my house, but he passed out and now he won’t wake up and I don’t know what to do so I need help,” Haruka explained quickly, stopping only to take a breath. “And we should hurry.” 

“Of course I’ll help! He is sick, isn’t he? Has he got a fever?” he asked as they started making their way up to his house. “You live there, right?” Makoto’s father was pointing at his house.

“Yes,” Haruka replied to both questions, trying to keep up with the other.

Makoto was still laying still on the floor as they walked into the room. His father immediately knelt down beside him and removed the cloth to feel his forehead. 

“He is pretty warm indeed,” he concluded, brows furrowed in worry as he proceeded to open Makoto’s shirt with steady hands. “We need to cool him down, do you have a fan we can use?” 

Haru nodded quickly and went to retrieve the electric fan in his bedroom. He then plugged it in and turned it on, angling it towards Makoto as best he could. The fan made his brown hair move slowly, and Haru instinctively leaned forward to brush it out of his face. He immediately straightened up once he realised what he had done. 

“Has he been unconscious for long?” Makoto’s father asked, not commenting on Haru’s earlier action.

“I’m not sure, more than ten minutes,” he admitted while biting anxiously on the tip of his left thumb. 

“We’ll give it another five minutes, but if he hasn’t woken up yet by then we’ll have to bring him to the hospital.” 

Every second they sat there kneeling on the floor felt more like hours, and Haruka suddenly remembered his earlier outburst. Why had he said all that? It was not like him to yell, and it scared him. The intense fear that had manifested itself in him and refused to let go ever since Makoto failed to meet him out by the stairs had somehow only gotten worse when Makoto appeared at his door. 

It was still there, even worse now. A fear of him somehow disappearing. He pinched his thigh forcefully to shift his focus. 

What if it was his fault that Makoto had passed out? He had been looking sick already when he got there, pale and with glassy eyes. The scene he had made could not have helped anything. It probably made it worse, he-

Haruka’s thoughts were interrupted as Makoto groaned weakly and used his palm to rub his forehead. He then squinted horribly as he opened his eyes slowly. 

He had never been more relieved to see green in his entire life. 

“Makoto, can you hear me?” his father asked, keeping his voice barely above a whisper. 

Makoto mumbled something hoarsely and looked up at them both, not entirely sure where to focus. 

“Thank god, you’re okay,” the oldest of them sighed, letting out a relieved breath. Haruka wished he could do the same, but his whole body had seemed to tense up.

Makoto licked his lips. “Where are we?” he croaked. 

“At your friend’s house. I’m so sorry, it was terribly rude of me not to ask before, but what’s your name?” 

The last question was being directed at Haruka. 

“Nanase Haruka,” he replied, wincing at the way his voice cracked at the end. It happened far too often nowadays.

“Haru?” Makoto turned his head towards him and blinked. “Are you okay?” 

_Stupid. I should be asking you that._

“Mm,” he nodded, refusing to say anything else. 

“Well, thank you so much, Nanase-san. I hate to ask for anything else, but could you help me get him down to our house?” 

It was ridiculous that he was being thanked. He was the reason Makoto had passed out in the first place, and he had not really done anything after that. 

“Sure.” 

He wanted to say something more, but the words seemed stuck in his throat and he honestly did not trust his voice completely yet. 

 

They got Makoto down the stairs, supporting him from one side each. He was leaning heavily on them both, and Haruka could feel the warmth radiating from him. When they eventually got all the way down, Makoto's father insisted that he should come in too, claiming that having him over for dinner was the least they could do as thanks. 

For what, he was still not sure. 

All Haruka wanted was to get far away from them all. He needed some time to himself. To think for a while. 

He still accepted the invitation, not wanting to come off as rude. 

Makoto was led up to his room and into bed as soon as they arrived, his mother and father going with him to make sure he was okay, and Haruka suddenly found himself sitting on a couch in between two children. 

They were Makoto’s twin siblings. A boy and a girl. And they seemed to never be quiet. 

“How did you meet our brother?” the girl asked, grabbing onto his shoulder with an excited smile.

“I-, we-,” he tried, getting interupted again for what felt like the fiftieth time. 

“Are you big brother’s friend?” the boy wanted to know.

“Of course he is! If not he wouldn’t have been here, are you stupid?” 

“No! Stop asking that!”

Haruka pressed his knees together and tried to make himself appear as small as possible. Maybe they’d forget that he was there. 

“Hey, what’s his name?” the boy asked, eyeing his sister.

“Ask him yourself, I don’t know!” 

“Okay, why don’t you two go clean up your room before dinner?” a woman’s voice asked, effectively stopping the bickering. “And please stop yelling. Indoor voice, remember?” 

“But mom, this is brother’s friend! We want to play with him.” The girl pouted, but it was soon replaced by a grin as she broke the act. 

“Not right now, sweety. Be good and clean you room.” 

Haruka let out a heavy breath as the two children reluctantly left the room. So noisy. 

“I’m sorry about that,” Mrs. Tachibana excused as she sat down on the chair opposite him. She tucked some hair behind her ear before continuing. “They can be a lot to handle, but I promise that they are good kids.” She offered a smile, and it struck Haruka how much it reminded him of Makoto’s. 

“It’s okay,” he said quietly. 

“Thank you for getting Makoto here.” 

He had heard that now a total of four times since he got there, and he still had no idea why they insisted of thanking him. 

Haruka felt out of place to say the least.

“It was nothing,” he settled for. 

 

He ate dinner together with them just like he had promised that he would, and by the end of the day he decided that he liked Makoto’s family. They actually seemed happy for his company. Or they were just very good actors. 

The twins, Ran and Ren, were not as bad as he initially thought either. Mrs. Tachibana was right, once they got past the first wave of curiosity, they were nice to him. If playing two hours of overly colorful video games could be considered nice.

Haruka walked quietly through the house, intending to say goodbye to Makoto before he left. He had stayed in his room the entire time to Haruka’s disappointment, but he was not surprised. It had been a long day after all. 

Knocking twice, he opened the door to Makoto’s room and peered hesitantly inside. 

“Oh, Haru! You’re still here,” Makoto exclaimed, a surprised look on his face.

“Sorry, I was just going to say goodbye,” he muttered, afraid that he might have woken the other up. 

“That’s fine.” Makoto struggled to sit up on his elbows in the bed. His hair was messy and he had a tired look in his eyes that Haruka wished would have disappeared by then. “I’m feeling much better now, honestly. Sorry about passing out,” he said sheepishly, twisting his thumbs.

Haruka moved closer to Makoto’s bed and shook his head. “No, I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me earlier.” 

Looking back, he had acted like a typical five-year old, and it made him feel horribly embarrassed. 

Makoto chuckled, but it ended up more like a cough. “Well, at least you’re feeling better now. Right?” 

“Mm.” 

An awkward silence hung in the air between the two of them as Makoto sat still in his bed and Haruka proceeded to look down at the floor, hoping it would somehow swallow him whole.

“I should-,” he began, but Makoto opened his mouth as if he were going to say something at the same time.

The brunet rubbed the back of his neck. “You first.” 

Haruka shook his head. He was just going to say that he should leave, it was nothing important. It could wait.

“Okay,” Makoto smiled back, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Mom told me Ran and Ren played video games with you?”

“Yeah.” 

“I hope they weren’t too intense.” 

Haruka kept silent, not knowing what to say. He wanted to go home already, but Makoto gestured for him to come sit at the bed. 

“It will be more comfortable than standing,” he explained as he moved slightly over to make room. He then patted the bed. 

“I-I’m okay here.” His voice sounded strained.

“Oh.” The hand that had been resting over the bed pulled back immediately. “Of course,” Makoto smiled, but it did not quite hide the sad look that went over his face. He looked as if he regretted having made the suggestion in the first place.

Haruka stared at the floor again and sighed. “I should go.”

It wasn’t that he felt bad around the other, but right then it only made him anxious for some reason. He needed to get out for a while.

“Alright,” Makoto nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

“If you’re not sick,” he huffed. It would be okay if he did not show up tomorrow, now that he knew the reason why. 

“Sure,” he agreed, looking down at his hands for a moment. “It was nice having you over, even if I was sleeping most of the time.” 

Haruka tried his best to hide his face and the blush that threatened to color his cheeks. 

“Bye then.”

“See you tomorrow.” 

Haruka closed the door after himself and made his way out of the house after having been seen off by Makoto’s parents. Finally out in the fresh air, he took a deep breath to settle himself. 

It was okay. 

Everything was okay.

Makoto would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys!
> 
> First of all, I'm so sorry about the unintended hiatus. I had some personal things that I was forced to deal with before I could start writing again, and time in general has just been very limited the last few months. Thanks for understanding. At least I'm back on track now, which feels great.
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking around and reading. Kudos and comments are highly appreciated, I love hearing your thoughts! <3


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